When I was six years old and walking to my new school where I didn't know anyone, I heard a voice from across the street: "Hi! My name is Gloria! Will you come to my birthday party tomorrow?" My new very outgoing little friend introduced me to all of her friends, and all the anxiety of starting at a new school vanished! We became fast friends for many years following.
When I was a junior in college, my sorority decreed that we ALL needed to attend a fraternity party that we were invited to as a group. Nervous and somewhat annoyed at being forced to attend, I walked into the party with my friend Susan. The most adorable boy greeted us, took my arm, and said, "Didn't I meet you before?" It was a corny beginning, but we celebrated our fifty-first wedding anniversary this year!
Each time I began teaching at a new school during my teaching career, there was always a smiling face in the next classroom, or across the hall, ready to become a lifelong friend, and to teach me the ropes of a new, unique situation.
Entering a wedding shower for my friend's daughter, she told me to "sit anywhere". I looked around the room, and whispered (I thought) to her, "I don't know anyone here." Immediately, a sweet and adorable cousin of my friend (someone I had hadn't met yet) appeared at my side and said, "I'm Terri. Now you know me. Sit with us!" Terri is one of my favorite people to this day!
At funeral this week for a dear friend, my husband and I were sitting alone and really feeling the sadness. The man in front of us turned around and started making jokes with us. I said, "Do we know you?" He said, "You do now. I'm Jack, and this is my wife Pat. Now we're friends."
This week's funeral encounter made my mind travel back to all the other times in my life when I was sad or alone, and a stranger became a friend. As a teacher, I always tried, and sometimes struggled to make this magic happen for my students. I knew that, for kids, friendship doesn't always come just by getting them together at recess or in collaborative groups. That's where the Buddy Bench reports for duty.
The Buddy Bench
What is a Buddy Bench? This concept has been around since 2013, when a second grader came up with an idea for lonely kids at recess time. The Buddy Bench doesn't even have to be an actual bench, but it does have to be an agreed upon meeting place. When a child sits on a Buddy Bench, it sends a signal to others that he/she/they would like to interact with someone. This could mean just talking or joining in a game. It's a great way to promote inclusion and to build empathy. I'm all for anything we can do to build kids up from the inside out. The Buddy Bench is relationship and SEL magic!
The secret to success with your Buddy Bench is to discretely teach what it's all about and to model using it. When we installed one at my school, I discovered that the very kids who needed it most in order to find companions at recess were the kids who lacked skill in interpersonal communication. (Anyone surprised?) That's when I developed a set of cards that could be laminated and left at the Buddy Bench to serve as conversation prompts. You can make your own or find them for outdoor use here and in classroom use here, but the important thing is to practice using them. Select a topic and try a model discussion. The topics on my cards all center on finding some common ground on which a friendship may be built. What are your favorite kind of movies? Music? Ice cream? What do you like to do best at recess? What's your favorite joke? You get it!
The Permanent Buddy Bench
Your Buddy Bench will be a fixture on your playground. Our PTA even added a second one right outside the office for indoor recess. Kids will use it to signal that they would rather not spend recess alone, and other kids will join them. They will find something something to chat about, and may move on to a soccer match, a jump rope game, or a race around the track. They may even find a quiet place under a tree to read a book together. As a teacher (or recess supervisor), you need to kind of watch the bench out of the corner of your eye. If a kid has been sitting there for too long, either encourage a child (that you have pre-arranged a buddy position with) or go and sit there yourself. Start up a conversation. No one wants to put himself/herself out there as being all alone, and then stay that way.
My favorite nine year old told me today that the Buddy Bench at his school is just a place to throw your coat if you get too warm at recess. He went on to say that since everyone at his school is already such good friends with everyone else, the Buddy Bench isn't used anymore. My dad had an expression for that which, in translation, means, "It should always be so." I swear I heard his voice telling me that when I heard about this repurposed Buddy Bench! My wish for you is that yours becomes a coat holder as well!
In any case, your Buddy Bench should become a familiar sight and a familiar concept to your students. It's their signal to be good people and to include others whenever possible. How lovely to sit on the Buddy Bench on a perfect Spring day and chat with a new found friend! Sigh.
From an unknown source, here is a testimonial to the beauty of the Buddy Bench:
Wishing you peace, friendship, and a classroom full of good people!
